Leaving on a Jet Plane (II)...

home!

I'm superstitious so I didn't wanna talk about it too much for fear of jinxing it (well, other reasons too). I'm finally leaving on my trip and I live in shagz (that's the countryside) so I'm not so sure how my internet access will be. Went on marathan shopping session yesterday and got help packing from my siblings. A dude at the bank was looking at my DL and was wondering if my relaz would recognize me. (Btw, the shilling has greatly appreciated in value.) I do look different now. Leafing through an old yearbook, I can see the differences. I know my ideas and views of the world have changed a lot since I left. I can hardly wait to see my parents.

Happy New Year y'all!

Furious!

Hell hath no fury...like a pissed off woman! Imagine being woken up in the dead of night to take a transatlantic call from a person who declares he has "an urgent message." Along with a drunken dial from an undesired admirer, an insistent telemarketer, or a stalker, this is one of those calls you never want to get. And for the record, this happened to me night before last.

The caller is not my personal acquintance but my parents'. He resides in a Western European country (which shall remain unnamed) that prides itself on being modern and 'civilized'--don't they all? It just so happens that on my way home, there'll be a lengthy layover in the above country, so they offered to host me. I was thinking, why not? Save money on a hotel, kill time, maybe see a sight or two. Perhaps. Like many Western countries that are prime destinations for us citizens of the Third World, this country has stringent visa requirements. I am no stranger to compiling documents with personal information. I've done it countless times over the past 6 years. This time, I didn't get the desired results.

I heard back from the immigration/consulate a*holes who think that me spending less than one day breathing their freezing winter air surrounded by the snowy foggy landscape of their wonderfully modern 'civilized' country and seeing 1 or 2 of their amazing sights is like handing me a key to the pearly gates: impossible. After all, once I get to such a prime destination, why would I want to leave? It doesn't matter that I'm firmly entrenched in my current life and have the documents to prove it.

I am so sick and tired of filling forms, being assigned numbers, and subjecting all my personal affairs to scrutiny under a government microscope: from the hour of my birth, health status specifically what deadly viruses or 'African diseases' could be surging through my bloodstream, financial assets (or lack thereof), and what kind of education I received before I landed on these hallowed shores (gasp! including how I learned to speak English).

So, I let my would-be host know that I would be restricted to the airport while I was in the country politely thanking him for offering to host me. But no...he had to call me in the middle of the night to have me repeat the details of what happened, and to tell me what I needed to do. First of all, I was pissed because there was nothing urgent about this matter. I know what urgencies and emergencies are and use those words with extreme caution. Email is a brilliant form of communication that works! And if you have to make a phone call, can you call at a reasonable hour? Second, I hate being talked to like I'm a 10yr old girl who's never lived away from home. I detest it when someone who doesn't know my specific circumstances tells me what to do. Luckily, I was brought up to respect older people so I exercised a lot of restraint during this conversation and cut it short as quickly as I could. I was cussing when I got off the phone and about to make some calls across the ocean but decided it would be unwise. It was difficult getting back to sleep. I had a major cloud hanging over my trip and I wasn't even sure if I'd take it; until the issue was resolved just today. I'm just going to take every day as it comes.

Electronics and Shiny Things

I don't understand the benefits of switching to beta blogger so I'm sticking to the old one for now.

I am not a techie kind of person although I operate various electronics and mechanical items daily. When I mention that I want to buy something, say a digital cam. or a comp. I get lots of helpful tips from my technically minded friends but some things just go over my head. Brand names I can remember, but when people start quoting lots of numbers and letters, like 300HZ or EP827GB....that's it! Which is why I was feeling overwhelmed at the electronics store last week when I went to buy something for my Dad. Some salespeople are so unhelpful as they hurriedly point out the items. And when people are working on commission, they may recommend extra things you may not need. I don't begrudge anyone their commission; in fact, if I'm going to buy something I'd like the workers to get a portion of the funds. If they can take the time to explain why such an item will be a great addition to my life, I'll be convinced to buy it. Luckily, a buddy of mine works at the store so I tracked her down to break things down for me, and point out the good deals. I was glad with the final choice. While I was there, I spotted some big screen tvs that are just to die for. Although I am a simple person, with (mostly) simple tastes, I would love to own one of those massive screens.

But I'll settle for any kind of diamond jewelry: ring or earrings....isn't that what Christmas is about? Fantasy? Shiny things? Christmas spirit is seriously lacking around here. From the various rants I've read in the blogosphere, I'm in good company!

Snip, snip

I went to the "beauty" shop last week, and guess what I bought?



(I remember owning a comb like this way back.)


&



There's a first time for everything; this was the first haircut I gave myself. The results are not too bad. Of all the things I've done to simplify my life, this will rank among the highest.

On my bookshelf

Superfudge is a classic from my childhood. It never fails to crack me up=)


For anyone who likes books with pictures, try a graphic novel like this. by Marjane Satrapi.


I haven't gotten very far; it's deep one.



This exact book has been on my shelf for months, but I can't seem to get through the last part where Mitya is on trial. Borrowed from a friend, but at this rate he's probably given it up permanently. Thanks R!



Here's a good one from the motherland! by Buchi Emecheta


It's not what you think, but it's guaranteed to blow...your mind that is! Now I've got to see Kiribati for myself. I don't own this one. by J. Maarten Troost

Baby Steps....

Dear T,
You'll probably never read this. I just want to say thank you one more time. Thank you for listening and giving me very practical suggestions (which worked!). I'm glad to know that I have gotten closer to my goal; baby steps that slowly move me forward. It was the one positive spot in an otherwise dreary day. You were the right person to tackle the issue because of your knowledge and approach. I appreciate your non-judgemental attitude. You possess the right skills and you have a heart. I'm sure there are many others out there who feel the same way I do.

:-) GND

Relief

2 down, 1 to go then school is officially over.

The immense relief I feel now that the group paper is done is hard to put into words. It was such a stressful affair right up until the last minute. Tempers flared. Everyone had strong opinions. At least those of us participating. One person was MIA when needed, then in the end offered help as though she was doing us a favor. Calling with excuses which I didn't want to hear then asking what to do. I asked "Have you read the paper?" The silence was the answer. How in the world do you discuss and critique a paper with someone who has no clue about it? I was fuming. "Tell me what to do." I had to restrain myself, kwani does this look like primo where you're told exactly what to do? I found myself being the mediator between different factions of the group (my diplomatic skills must be a middle child thing). This is why I cannot be a parent, I hate repeating the same damn thing over and over again. One dude proposed leaving her name out, but we weren't that cruel. So glad it's done.

There's something major hanging in the air that's making me rethink some plans I made. I'll know for sure in a week. I may end up making some drastic decisions.

Slow Sunday

I got drunk on cough syrup last night. Apparently teenagers have been using this stuff to get high for years. Well, I really needed it. It knocked me out for hours.

When I woke up this afternoon, it took all the energy I had to shower, dress, and trek to my neighborhood coffee shop in hopes of getting a hit of caffeine and working on my policy paper. Apparently, everyone had the same idea. It was packed with people on their laptops. I got a table and immediately got coffee (free-trade). As I poured the organic half 'n half and stirred in the sugar, I wondered why even food is so political. I'm struggling to get more info for a research paper and regretting the topic I picked because it's my professor's area of expertise. So I'd better get all my facts straight. There were too many people in the coffee shop and I couldn't even find a place to plug in my computer so I left as soon as I ate my sandwich. The coffee was really strong.

You know what really irritates me? It's when people say one thing, and do another; flaking with no apology. If you can't do something, then don't say it! If something comes up last minute, let me know. One of my mottos is I don't make promises I can't keep. I have no patience for cheap empty talk. Don't tell me you want to see me, then when I tell you where I'll be, you don't make an effort to meet me. My time is precious. You know how people say "If you ever need anything, just give me a call" or "I'm willing to help with x". Then when you actually call them and tell them exactly what they can do, they don't come through. That gets to me. Which is why I prefer to do a lot of things on my own. I want absolute control (there, I admitted it). If I'm going to be part of anything, I want a say in what goes on. But I'm not a superhero (despite my best efforts) so I need a helping hand.

Maybe I need anger management. I can handle a lot of major things until one thing comes along and pushes me over the edge.

4 Random Things

Random celeb trivia:
George Clooney is People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. (And his pet pig just died.)

How will this information help me as I struggle to finish my papers, and study for upcoming finals? Ah, you'd be surprised. There's no direct benefit to knowing the information above as I'm not taking a class on pop culture or hollywood, but there are indirect benefits. Do you ever notice how you can't stop smiling when you're around a paramour, when you spot a sexy stranger, or an adorable child? Some people just have that effect. They're a pleasant distraction from the daily hassles and routines. Living with a pig would be distracting too, ama?

Random thought:
When I'm in a public place, say standing in line at the bank, I look at the interesting people around and wonder about some of their lives. And I think about the movies when something dramatic happens. Once in a while I spot someone who looks like they're going to lose it. The other day, the line was going slow and this man near the front banged his hand on one of the pillars in frustration and yelled about having to wait. And where else would you experience either extreme elation or depression if not the bank? In fact, I think it would be a great idea to have an onsite psychologist there. Why not?

Random rant:
What is it with people listening to music on their headphones that is so loud everyone within 6ft or more can hear it? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of having head/earphones? Plus, forcing everyone to listen to your choice of music can sometimes be cruel.

Random rave:
I like carrying my notebook around and jotting any ideas, thoughts, and feelings I have. I like drinking good coffee. I like to the freedom to just be, think, and express myself and connecting with people who either get me or just accept me as I am.

AIDS

It is World AIDS day, so I feel obligated to share some views on the subject. According to the statistics, I fit the profile of people most likely to be infected just by being from an African country. It's all over the news right now: Sub-Saharan Africa has the highest infection rates. This is one of the most politicized medical conditions ever. Have you ever heard of a World Malaria Day? I haven't. Don't know if it exists. I've had malaria multiple times, and will always remember the worst incident I had in high school. I was away from home so my Aunt T. took very good care of me. I don't know all the official stats, but I do know it's one of the main causes of death in Kenyan children under age 5. I just found a link to Unicef.

Well, back to the main topic. AIDS is very political, at the same time personal. Spicebear has covered the "Prevention is better than cure" angle well, so I won't go into that. Adults are being urged to get tested at their nearest VCT center. It makes perfect sense to know one's status. The whole idea is to find out whether you have it, then modify your behavior. Doesn't always happen that way. I've heard some people work up the courage to get tested, then never go back for results. Others find out the results, but may not modify their behavior in the ideal way, i.e. using protection, letting partners know of their status, and engaging in health-promoting behavior. I've gotten that email forward about some HIV+ person who decided to go on a spree and infect everyone around them as revenge; and when they die, they leave behind a list. I've known adults who fell ill during their prime, and the cause was whispered "AIDS." The surviving family members are often treated as pariahs as though they may pass it by just being in the same room. HIV/AIDS is not contagious! Have you ever gotten tested? Even though you know you don't have it, do you ever think "What if...."

Moving away from the personal into the scientific aspect, it's important to know the FACTS. It's important to ask the necessary questions as researchers study this virus and attempt to find a cure. It's said that one tests positive for HIV, then eventually develops full-blown AIDS and dies. There are researchers that say HIV is a harmless virus. 3 Berkely scientists: Duesberg, Koehnlein, and Rasnick wrote a paper titled "" where they challenge the HIV-AIDS hypothesis. The Chemical Bases of the various AIDS Epidemics. People diagnosed as HIV+ are usually urged to get on antiretroviral drugs (which cost a fortune) but some people refused to do so and still survived. Check out:Alive and Well

These drugs have horrible side effects. The paper above has solid references saying the drug Retrovir/AZT was originially a chemo drug (they are very toxic and suppress your immune system). It was later reintroduced into the market as an anti-HIV-AIDS drug.

Basically, scientists and researchers who question mainstream HIV/AIDS views are sidelined and not able to get their views to the public; they're not able to get most of their research funded either. This is a problem because science is about questioning. AIDS has heavily funded industries and organizations behind it: Pharmaceutical companies, govts, etc.

When it comes to HIV/AIDS in African countries, there's concern that the statistics collected are not accurate. Who is funding these studies anyway? Apparently, the data is collected from pregnant women visiting prenatal clinics. Check out Emily Oster's article.


At the end of the day, it gets personal again 'cause if you or someone you love gets sick, you'll be thinking about death and the dying process. Although you may be millions of miles away literally or figuratively, decisions made by the powers that be will affect you. I'll take a moment to remember those who have died, as well as those who still survive. And also to applaud the families and healthcare workers who give their time, energy and support to AIDS sufferers, as well as the researchers/scientists working to answer the vital questions that will affect everyone.

Breathy issues

A couple days ago, I was sitting next to a man who was reeking of onions. I glanced at sideways and saw a takeout container on his lap. An image flashed into my mind immediately: a chicken dish I had at a Turkish restaurant that should be translated into 'raw onions with chicken.' It tasted pretty good but I couldn't eat all those onions. Now, I do love the flavor of onions. They're such a basic in Kenyan cooking and other dishes from all over the world. What I have a problem with is the breath or scent they leave behind especially when consumed raw.

It's said that drinking coffee will take away onion & garlic breath but that leaves you with another problem: coffee breath. That can be dealt with by sucking on a mint or chewing gum. But anybody who has recurrent bad breath should probably get a dental check-up 'cause that's a sign of gum disease. Not funny at all. Don't know where I heard this, but going to the dentist is one of the most common fears (along with public speaking). Furthermore, basic medical insurance doesn't even cover seeing a dentist, you have to get an additional policy for that. Anyhow, once you get there, the sound of those drills headed toward your mouth is sure to put you on edge, in addition to the pain and sensitivity you may already be feeling. It takes a special team (dentist & hygienist) to make you feel at ease while they perform their skills. Which is why I'm feeling sad that my dentist is retiring. He's such an easygoing man. All the best to him as he goes on to the next stage of life.

Seems like many people are on the move. A close friend/brother figure and his girlfriend are going to Brazil (her home) for a few months. When he told me, I was thinking "I wanna go too!" And I plan to in the next few years. Sometimes, I get this feeling of being left behind. I've lived with people from different parts of the world, so many go back to their homes. I'm already making plans for all the places I want to go at the end of the month, next summer, in a couple of years, and even in 5-6 years. The world is open (visas are a whole other issue).

Cold, Cravings, etc

This cold weather is making me wish I could hibernate, then wake up on the Kenyan coast on a sunny afternoon....For now, I'll sip my hot lemon tea and hope my voice doesn't give out; I've gotta be taking part in a group thing for class in the AM. It's a group of two 'cause some people dropped the class. It's way easier to coordinate fewer people.

On a different note, dealing with hormonal swings that lead to food cravings at odd hours of the night. Sometimes, I know exactly what I want: the other night it was ice cream. Lucky for me, there's a supermarket really close by. As I was wandering down the aisles, I was kind of suprised how many people were there too. Couldn't decide what flavor I preferred so I picked a couple, dulce de leche and white chocolate raspberry truffle. Then I started having visions of apple pie a la mode. I bought one of those ready-to-bake ones and popped it in the oven as soon as I got home. Warm apple pie and ice cream taste even better in the middle of the night, yum! Other times like tonight, I just nibble a little of everything.

Christmas songs are already being played in stores and I spotted a lady wearing one of those Santa caps. The only decorations that I penda are the lights. End of story.

Looks and a Legacy

The bug is going around and it's hard to resist: the drama on Grey's Anatomy is rather entertaining. But please move over McDreamy, the only man worth checking out Isaiah Washington aka Dr. Preston Burke. This man is hot! I'm so not into McDreamy types --heartbreakers who think they can get away with everything by virtue of their looks.

There's no denying that looks do matter: we all make snap judgements about people just by glancing at them. Sites like Hot or Not are based on this idea. But we conclude so much beyond attractiveness in a few seconds, you can guess economic status, religion, career, lifestyle, or age --which may or may not be accurate. I notice how some people react to me differently when I have different hairdos. When I twisted my fro and was carrying a huge bag with stationary supplies downtown, I was referred to as "Madam artist" (which I take as a compliment even though I'm not one). There's a high school close to my place so when I'm carrying my backpack going to class some people think I'm in high school. I was there over 5 years ago and wouldn't go back. I'm one of the few people who looks forward to looking and growing older. Youth is so overrated.

With some of the recent cases ranging from Dr. Ngugi wa Thiong'o's experience at Hotel Vitale,this Standard commentary, the Iranian-American student tasered at UCLA, an Afghani woman wearing a hijab shot to death in Fremont in front of her 3yr old kid, and the more recent shooting in NYC of a groom right before his wedding, it's clear that appearance will subject one to harrassment and even death. Very tragic.

But there are some people whose ideas unite many: one such person is Bob Marley. I have this Bob Marley t-shirt and everytime I wear it random people smile, say 'peace', and nod when I walk by. Marley has inspired masses around the world and left a powerful legacy.

P.S.--I'm tuned into the case of the Kenyan students arrested for drug possession in Malaysia. The worst case scenario is scary. If OJ can be declared innocent of muder, then write a book "If I Did It" I don't know if there's any justice in this world.

In Da Club

Clubbing just isn't my scene anymore--it makes me feel old to say that. There was a time (esp. when I was underage) when I was so eager to go out all the time. I'd go through the hassle of borrowing somebody else's ID and going great distances to club. What made it really fun was obviously the crew I was hanging out with. And seeing all the outrageous things that happen inside. We went to some fun places, but at times we'd end up at a more calm place so we'd liven it up. We were determined to have fun, so we did. It was all so exciting!

These days I'm irritated at the thought of lining up, paying a cover charge, battling a crowd for a fucking drink, and just when I'm finally having fun, the lights are turned on and we're chased out. Some clubs get off on being "exclusive" so they can hold you hostage on the sidewalk 'cause they know you're dying to enter. As you walk in, the bouncer at the door acts like they just opened the pearly gates. If it's a half decent place, there will be a crowd so you'll need to avoid stabbing someone's foot with your high heeled boots and avoid that unsteady chic walking by barely balancing her martini. Sometimes, the music is worth it but why do DJs play a hit and when you're on the dance floor they suddenly cut it short, talk over it, or start playing a totally different kind of song that interrupts the flow? Let's say you just got your beverage before last call, and as you're sipping your poison of choice, they start yelling out that you should gulp it down soon. All of a sudden, the bright lights flash on and those goons start walking around urging you to finish and get the hell out. They don't care if you've been there less than an hour 'cause they have to clear the place and shut down. Step outside and there are cops hovering in the area (which is a great idea in some places 'cause this is when crazy things happen). This is when it helps to have a friend who likes going out but doesn't drink so you know they'll take you home safely. That's what matters.

"No Thanks..."

No Thanks to Thanksgiving
by Robert Jensen, Journalism Professor at University of Texas at Austin

[One indication of moral progress in the United States would be the replacement of Thanksgiving Day and its self-indulgent family feasting with a National Day of Atonement accompanied by a self-reflective collective fasting.

In fact, indigenous people have offered such a model; since 1970 they have marked the fourth Thursday of November as a Day of Mourning in a spiritual/political ceremony on Coles Hill overlooking Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, one of the early sites of the European invasion of the Americas.]

You can read the rest of the article here



I've learned a lot of history lately that has changed my perspective on some issues and to quote a statement from one of my papers: "After reading about the murder and near-extermination of the Indians, I question the very celebration of Thanksgiving." So, we cannot celebrate an occasion without giving genuine consideration to the native inhabitants of this land from which we earn our living.

With all that said, I do not oppose a day off with families and friends (even strangers) gathering to share a good meal and give thanks for whatever they have. I do not oppose the generosity and concern that people have for those in their communities who need a helping hand to survive. If anything, Thanksgiving seems to be more revered around here than Christmas (which is mostly about buying stuff). I attended a religious program at a local church. It was an amazing experience for several reasons:
--for one, I haven't been in church for well over a year (which may not seem like a big deal to some but I spent 91% of my life centered around church and religion)
--the minister of the church was a woman. She was very distinguished in her cleric collar.
--the congregation had people of different races and ages from toddlers, to grandmothers, and young people. So many churches are still segregated and I wonder if faith can't bring people together, what will?
--the music was beautiful; there was one encouraging song urging us to persevere whatever hardship we may face and it was just what I needed to hear.

I am thankful for the important people in my life and whatever I have. Anybody out there travelling, have a safe trip.

Manga

I just discovered Manga. I didn't know much about its existence till this past summer when my younger sibling picked some up. So, I was at the library this week working on a research paper, and somehow I ended up in the teen section and there was a cart labeled "Mature! Parental Advisory!" Of course I had to check it out =)

They had a variety so I picked out a couple of the most colorful ones. How cool is it to read a book backwards and from right to left? I like it! I needed something light and entertaining between all the heavy reading I've been doing. And the reason they put warning stickers on them is 'cause they do have some graphic pictures. But then, all manga is not easy reading; there's a variety of dark, complex themes they explore. I've got to visit Japan 'cause they have the most original stuff and there's a lot to see. I'm not giving up my attempt on leading a simpler lifestyle yet so I won't be buying all that stuff for myself--so family and close friends you're in luck! One of my classmates went to a karate competition in Tokyo recently and her descriptions of this crowded city are fascinating. I've got to experience it for myself.

Relationships

"Complicated" Relationships

So, what's your story?
I'm seeing this guy...
Is he your boyfriend?
Well, it's complicated...

It's complicated? Since when did that become the standard answer to define one's relationship? Thanks to Facebook's introduction of the "complicated" relationship status last year, "complicated" relationships have been blossoming nationwide. Friends with benefits are benefiting greatly from this new classification of hookup buddy and I don't see it decreasing anytime soon.

An excerpt from the Free Magazine from Penn State, "Odds & Ends--What's Hot" Fall 2006 by Lauren Bootier

"Be the change...."

I'm really into quotes (and own a book full of them) because they have the ability to convey powerful thoughts in just a few words. You can sit through a lengthy talk or boring conversation and afterwards you can't remember a damn thing the speaker said. Sometimes, it's only one phrase that sticks in your mind.

Mahatma Ghandi said "You must be the change you want to see in the world." This came to mind after reading an exchange on Majonzi's blog with one person accusing another tribe of being racist/tribalistic. When either of these topics is brought up, a passionate discussion is sure to follow. Unfortunately, it often ends in people attacking and accusing each other. Often, the accusers are guilty of the same crime they're trying to advocate against. Or maybe they're just contributing to the problem because all they want to do is complain, point fingers at others, and refuse to be part of the solution. Of course, it's hard not to take things personal when an issue hits close to home. One can't always separate logic and emotions. But until we collectively take responsibility for all that holds us back, there's no way we can solve the problem. Although as we know, most problems in life don't resemble mathematic problems, where you can always apply a formula and come up with a result. Problems are often a work in progress where you never really get done. Or like education where you can study something for years, become an expert on it but yet be utterly clueless about a variety of other subjects. New discoveries also come up in your own field so you'll constantly learn new things. Anyway, back to my main point, idealistic as it may be, which is for us to be part of the solution. How? That's for each of us to figure out.

"Racism's still alive"

Professor Ngugi wa Thiong'o, a prominent Kenyan thinker, writer, and academic (currently a professor at UC Irvine) is subjected to humiliating, racist treatment at Hotel Vitale in San Francisco. You can read the story below on Black Look's blog. Another fellow KBW blogger Majonzi also wrote about this incident titled "When Appearance Matters." The Sunday Nation also has an article on this.

What you can do: spread the story and contact the hotel to express your anger and outrage. And obviously, boycott the Hotel Vitale!!

Membership

I finished reading "The Mayor of Casterbridge" yesterday. It's an excellent book!

I should be working on my research paper and other assignments. At Ieast I got caught up with some school work today when I went to the local library. I applied for a library card there, then I realized now I have membership at 4 different libraries: my school, a nearby university, the city where I used to live, and where I live now. I'm very impressed with the collections they have. Everything is so efficient: you can go online and put a book or movie on hold then just pick it up. Technology is a wonderful tool. In fact I'm getting some of my school books from the library. One of my classes has about 5 or 6 books and we used some of them for only 3 weeks so what's the point in buying all of them? There's only one book I want to keep. I realize that every book has something valuable, but I wonder how often some teachers revise their book lists. I like it when they differentiate between required and supplemental reading 'cause textbooks cost a fortune. And publishers always unleash a new edition every year with new pictures or a CD-ROM. (I rarely used any of the CDs that came with my books.) In fact, I had to buy one of my policy books straight from the publisher because that new edition wasn't widely available and we're barely using the book! At least it will be in great condition if I decide to auction it off (half.com and Amazon are my top sites). It's pointless to sell books back to the bookstore 'cause they give you so little money back. It's better to keep it, give it away, or sell it to a student.

Talking of memberships, last week I went to check out a local gym where some of my buddies work out. It's a cool gym and has a variety of exercise options from yoga and dance classes, to the requisite treadmills and weight-lifting equipment. I'd like to be much stronger and more muscular (like the Williams sisters). The dude who took me on the tour was so fine! And gay. In the end, I wasn't convinced the membership was worth the fees 'cause I won't use it enough. Of course, when they advertise they quote a really low price*(there's usually a star next to it). To get the deal you have to sign a contract. I don't like contracts. I'll probably take a PE class at school next sem. Haven't even been inside the gym yet. Might as well use it 'cause it's paid for.

Africa by Aime Cesaire

Africa
your solar tiara knocked down to your neck by rifle butts
they have turned it into an iron-collar; your clairvoyance
they've put out its eyes; prostituted your chaste face;
screamin that it was guttural, they muzzled
your voice, which was speaking in the silence of shadows.

Africa,
do not tremble this is a new fight,
the living wave of your blood secretes unfailingly
constant a season; night today is, at the bottom of ponds,
the frightening and unstable back of an incompletely asleep star,
and perserve, and fight--even if to conjure up space you had only
the space of your name irritated by dryness.

Snout holes snout holes
land ripped with snout holes
sacked
tattooed
great body
massive disfigure where the tough snout dug
Africa the forgotten days which always walk
with curved shells in the doubt of eyes
will spring to the public face amidst happy ruins, on the plain
the white tree with willing hands will be each tree
a tempest of trees in the unparalleled foam and sand,


hidden things will again climb the slope of dormant musics,
today's wound is an oriental cavern,
a shuddering issuing from black forgotten fires, it is,
sprung from blemishes from the ash of bitter words
from scars, all smooth and new, a face
of long ago, bird concealed spewed, bird brother of the sun.


Aime Cesaire

102!

This is my 102nd post and it's dedicated to my grandfather who is 102 years old.

Time is a fluid concept: it can rush by, slow down to a trickle, or freeze depending on what activity you're doing. When you're having a good time, it's gone just like that. But when you're lining up at the post office, sitting in your doctor's waiting room, or suffering through a boring lecture/sermon time crawls. Doesn't matter how many times you glance at your watch. There's a chapter in the Bible (Ecclesiastes 3) saying there's a time for everything. (See, you can learn a lot from a boring sermon!) And in that same spirit, I decided that it's time to go home.

I am soooo excited because I AM GOING HOME FOR A VISIT AT THE END OF THE YEAR!!

Got the ticket last month through STA Travel, I highly recommend them. Great service plus they have student and youth discounts. I want to share the info 'cause when I asked some people where they get their tickets they were very vague mpaka I was wondering why that information was classified. You'd think I was asking for someone to buy me a ticket or give me the number of their drug dealer. One dude was very helpful and gave me contacts for his travel agent but I decided to go with STA's deal.

This is one of those things I find very frustrating, when people have certain knowledge but they guard it so closely and refuse to share it though there's nothing to lose. I've encountered this attitude from fellow countrymen multiple times during my stay in this country. By no means is one person obligated to hold another's hand and guide them through the most mundane daily activities. And yet, some people don't even want to share the most basic information. Or worse, they give bad advice as they mumble under their breath that they suffered so everyone else should also suffer. Excuse me? What kind of warped logic is that? But as capable adults, we find other reliable resources and move on. Funny how some people are so willing to give advice when it's needed the least, doling it out in a very patronising manner. It annoys me to have someone say long after the fact "You could have done this, or gone there." Well, I didn't. I can't go back in time. I did something else, and I will live with my choices proudly. I don't make decisions by accident, it takes a lot of thought and extensive planning on my part because I alone know my circumstances, abilities, and resources. I don't give advice: however, I willingly share my experiences, opinions, and any knowledge I have. And I've also learned there are times when I have to admit "I don't know."

Getting back to the main topic of going home, I have so many emotions and thoughts going through my head. I'm thinking back on the last few years. I'm thinking of life at home and all the changes that took place in my absence. How I've changed. What hasn't changed. I'm thinking of my family: most important are my parents who sacrifice and support us endlessly. And my numerous relatives. I laugh when people ask how many relaz I have. There's my 102 year old grandfather and my new baby cousin. Being away from home is like missing out on chapters of life; there have been deaths, births, weddings and many other events that I wasn't part of and yet the course of my life is so closely intertwined with them. While we can look back on the past, bonds are strengthened by undergoing new experiences together. I went back to my first post and I'm fulfilling most of my New Year's resolutions. I can remain motivated when I know there's a reward at the end. Home at last!

To Kenyan Students Headed to the U.S.

There have been several humorous and very realistic posts on what Kenyan (or Tanzanian, Ugandan) students can expect when they leave home for the West. Y'all will get more advice than you ask for. I won't attempt to be a wise guru who's figured it all out 'cause I haven't, I just want to share a few things based on real life experiences (mine and others').

1) Welcome to the land of work. We're not just talking the 9-5, with a break for tea and lunch. That may happen or not. It can be any hour of the day or night, weekend, weekday, or holiday, during extreme weather but it doesn't matter because work goes on. A lot of human labor goes into making this huge economy churn and you, too, will become a part of it. Work can do wonders for you: obviously an income, nurture skills and talents, acquire knowledge, various benefits, a professional network, friends, and life experience. Dealing with huge responsibility will come with rewards (not always monetary). But everything comes at a price. You will find that work will conflict with school, personal life, health, religion, or personal values. You'll have to figure out what you're willing to do or put up with and for how long. If you get stuck somewhere, hopefully it's temporary. Everyone has to start somewhere. Focus on the bigger goal and where you're heading. Even though it may be a minimum wage, 'unskilled' job, you will learn skills that you'll apply to your future career. Do your thing, and do it well. By the way, be careful about asking people where they work unless they volunteer the information.

2) You can do things your way, and get off the beaten path if you wish. Risky? Perhaps. You'll never know unless you try it. Many people can have the same goal, but there are different ways to get there. Choose what works for you in your own unique situation and don't take any bullshit from negative people who try to discourage you. It's your life after all.

3) It's a dangerous world. Some may already have survived traumatic experiences at home. Others have led a protected life. Everyone quickly realizes that the streets aren't paved with gold. On the contrary, some of them are filled with the poverty, desperation, and violence that characterizes the West's dominant view of the developing world. Often, you turn on the tv and listen to the horrific crimes that happen to some innocent child, woman, or man. Some days, it hits really close and you question your safety and well being. You hear the gunshots. Then you read the news report on the homicide and stare at the flashing lights and bright yellow police tape. And you may even think, "hell, that could have been me." Because, it could be. This scary thought makes one reexamine priorities and focus on survival.

4) Although there are many grim details and stresses in life, it is essential to have a heart and retain some faith in humanity. Because when you're down and almost out, the least likely person could step up and do something for you even though they don't owe you a damn thing. And in turn, you will get the chance to do something for somebody. It may seem insignificant, but you may never know how deeply you impact a life.

2nd Place is First Loser

I survived the weekend.
It went quite well actually. Managed to memorize my speeches and pull off the performances smoothly. In fact, I got some trophies ranging from 3rd place to 1st. Thanks to my speech coaches who gave me practical critiques. But I think they were kinda surprised too. Got to call my parents and share the news. The 1st place one was such a surprise because I wasn't as confident about that piece. But I knew the piece so well, I could probably recite it in my sleep. It was fun watching other people's performances; there's so much talent out there. One of my favorite performers is a girl from my school who did a piece about how celebrities get away with everything. Stars featured included Michael Jackson, OJ, and Mel Gibson. It was hilarious! It gets quite competitive especially for those who've been doing it for a long time. Somebody gave a speech about the disappointment of getting a silver medal at the Olympics and the idea that 2nd place is first loser. Most of us aim for the top: to be the best at whatever we do. There's internal and external pressure that propels us forward. Reality is, not everyone can win first place. The only exception is parents, who were always number 1 in school=) Anybody who shows up and gives a try should be applauded. Just like this quote from T. Roosevelt:

"The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly ....and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat.”

So you're not a loser unless you don't even try. I've learned so much and know the public speaking skills will come in handy. The school we went to was huge! Guess the students must drive from class to class. That would drive me crazy 'cause I like to walk. Some campuses have shuttles that take people around. We got to stay at the local Hilton, and the beds were so comfortable that I slept as soon as my head touched the pillow. So cliche, but true. Got back very late last night and I couln't make it to my classes this morning. (Note to self and others: never sign up for an 8am class on Monday morning if you can avoid it!) It's weird that I can wake up early for work or classes on other days, but most Mondays I run late. Now, it's to catch up on some studying.

Get-Away

In a few hours, I'll be leaving for the weekend. I'm not even done packing yet. It's not some romantic mountain cabin get-away (I wish!), it's a school thing. Another speech tournament. I can hardly wait for it to be over. Sad to say that I don't really care much for anything except my grade in the class. The advantage of being perceived as dumb is that people don't expect much of you. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, these people think I could be good at this. I'm just tired and have other things on my mind. I'm thinking about the extra work hours I'll miss and I'm always on the move so it drives me crazy when there's too much downtime but not much entertainment/activity. It's not that I can't relax, but I'd rather relax at home or in certain settings. Maybe I am a control freak 'cause I've been accused of not being spontaneous. Oh well...Wish I already had a Macbook (on my wishlist) so I could carry it with me. Hope everyone out there will have a more fun weekend than mine.

Happy Halloween!

"Tonight is the night that goblins howl..." this is a line from some poem we read in primo years ago. Well, I'm obviously not out partying tonight, didn't even get a costume. It's fun seeing all the costumes, especially the kids who really seem to enjoy it. And all the free candy, wow. When I was a kid, sweets and chocolates were the center of the world. Usually we'd buy cheap sweets when we got some money (patco, co's) moving up to klm, eclairs, then mintchoc, fudge, and dairy milk. We'd even stick a spoon in the sugar bowl and eat it when parents were away from home. When some kid stole money, you could always tell. They went to the local shop and bought lots of chocolates and brought them to school. Then everyone wanted to be their friend. These days, I'm seriously cutting back my sugar intake although I indulge in quality chocolate every now and then. I did go to a Halloween bash over the weekend. House parties are one of my favorite places to be. The people who hosted it did a great job decorating their spacious house. Most people wore costumes (I guess the rest of us didn't get the memo). They had a keg and a local rock band performed. They reminded me of Green Day. Totally cool!

Elsewhere in the country, looks like people were inspired by the hood. A frat party at Johns Hopkins is under fire for their themed party. Kwani these guys didn't read the news when UT Austin students had their party? Of course, the customary apologies will be made as PR pros scramble behind the scenes to assemble some politically correct releases to appease the civil rights organizations and their African American students. While these 'hood parties are insulting, I think we need to step back and see them in their true light: the party is merely the symptom for the greater issues that pervade society concerning race and social class. When people apologize, what are they sorry for? Are they sorry for insulting people? Do they even understand why people are pissed off? Are they sorry they got caught and exposed to the world? Will this change their way of thinking or behavior? It's kind of like whenArnold Schwarzenegger apologized for was making a comment about a Latina colleague saying she's hot-tempered because of her 'black blood' and 'latino blood.' Was he embarrassed for making the comment or that the recording was made public?
Just caught a glimpse of Dr. Phil on tv featuring unfaithful couples, and I'll quote a question he asked. "Are you sorry that you did it or sorry that you got caught?"

Visionaries

I attended a great lecture this evening on leadership and visionaries that was very inspiring. It was given by the CEO of a consulting company (our teacher's buddy) and when she described what they do I was thinking "I'd love to work for you!" Well, still have a ways to go before I get there.

One of the more immediate tasks is rewriting a paper on policy. It's a group thing: one dude had written it previously but refused to listen to our feedback and didn't incorporate the research I'd worked on. We were running out of time, so we decided to just hand it in. Big mistake, 'cause now we have to redo it. This dude just doesn't understand why the paper was a disaster and furthermore wants to rewrite it. I handed him the old paper with the teacher's comments so he could see it for himself, and then the new outline I've worked on. There's no way I'm getting a bad grade because somebody with poor writing skills and grammar refuses to listen. The rest of us group members have split up the tasks but he's the only one who's out of line. What bothers me more isn't just the skills (or lack thereof) but the attitude. I will respect people for their work skills and life experience (you've gone through a lot by the time you're twice my age) but when we get to class, we're all students trying to learn.

I've been reading about a visionary: Ella Baker, a cofounder of the Young Negroes' Cooperative League in New York which believed that youth were essential to social change so the members were 35yrs old and younger. If someone older wanted to join, they had to get a majority vote from the current members. I like this idea! In fact, if I were to found a party or organization, I'd adopt the same rule: 35 and younger only. Of course, if you're older than that, but have similar values and goals and the members approve, you can join and be consulted for your expertise. Wouldn't this be brilliant?

(a few minutes later...)

Well, looks like somebody else beat me to it: the Madaraka Party of Kenya just got registered this month. I just found out about them a few minutes ago. Let me read up on them.

Same Old Story

Had a fun weekend. Ate great food in my new 'hood. I'm one of those people who rarely tries something new unless it's recommended by a friend. If I eat out, I'd rather go somewhere familiar where I know exactly what to expect. Call me boring if you like but I prefer predictability and stability. Hmm, why do I sound like one of the Controllers in Brave New World? Anyway, if someone else comes up with a new idea, I'll try it.

I ran into a Kenyan buddy on campus and we chatted over coffee. I like the feeling of knowing somebody when I go somewhere so I don't feel so lost. I even met a Kenyan lady over there on Friday. I spotted her wearing a beautiful kitenge and complimented her on it then introduced myself. Funny how you can usually identify your own people. There are times when people fail to identify where I'm from and I get somewhat offended.

My history/ethnic studies class had a very heated debate today on hate crimes and racism. It's great to discuss these sensitive issues that are often brushed aside in day-to-day interaction although they affect our world. Knowing that other people are dealing with similar challenges validates my feelings and I've realized how some well-meaning white people are ignorant about the issues the rest of us face. Hell, ignorance also exists among the non-white/'minority' group. Let me just say for the record that I strongly dislike the term 'minority' for its minimizing, demeaning connotations. Anyway, there are times people see or hear something happening and think "it has nothing to do with me" but wasn't it MLK Jr. who said "An injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere"? Although we should not delude ourselves with a Messiah complex of saving the world, we do need to be aware of what goes on and to speak up whenever we can. If you hear somebody say something mean or ignorant, call them out on it. There are times I just ask "What do you have against that group of people?" Some people are in positions to exert a lot of influence, others are just in 'survival' mode trying to hold their own shit together. I think that sometimes the most we can do is to challenge our own beliefs and biases and be aware of how that affects our interaction with others so we aren't guilty of the same crimes as the oppressors. This applies to racism, tribalism, gender-based stereotypes, ethnocentrism, and just about any of those -isms.

On the political front, Obama is the golden child of U.S. politics. With good reasons too. The Kenyan leaders who had the balls to criticize his University of Nairobi speech risked alienating a powerful ally who articulated what the Kenyan people have been saying for years. He refused to smear his dignity from the low blows thrown his way by our disgruntled leadership. Isn't it funny how we are so quick to claim him as one of our own when his star is rising, yet neglect the important facts that are right in front of our eyes? He is an American citizen, lawyer, and politician fathered by a Kenyan man. He speaks the truth in stating we should stop waiting to be rescued by the West because they're only watching out for their own interests. A brief look at history should teach us that lesson. Oh well, new day, same old story.

Mini Mid-week Meltdown

Last week, I was overwhelmed with school/ work commitments. I was thinking about dropping my speech forensics class to I can have more time to devote to my major classes which aren't going as well as they should. It's that feeling you get when you're 1 or 2 steps behind and struggling to catch up. I hate it! Thing is, I had to make the decision fast because I had to take part in an intercollegiate speech tournament over the weekend. At first, I thought the class would be simple (no papers, no tests) but then I freaked out about having to be in a tournament. It is no easy task and involves research and preparation, memorizing, and learning how to give the speech. I can deal with people one-on-one but I hate being the center of attention on stage. I took a basic speech comm. class over 2 years ago so I was out of practice. I don't like to do things unless I know I can do them well and excel. Did I mention that my school's team always wins awards at these events? After a lot of encouragement, I decided to go for it. All the travel arrangements had been made so we set out on Friday. It was fun travelling with the Speech & Debate team in the school van with our teacher driving. It reminded me of field trips in high school.

Fast-forward to the actual event. It's a parallel universe that I never knew about till recently. You know how people who are into beauty pageants, horse racing, or chess are really into it? They devote years of their lives to being good and attend all these events that mean little to the rest of us. There's something similar with the Speech tournament. Some people have been doing it since primo, or high school. The dramatic verses remind me of Kenya Music Festival. If you're in debate, you can wear jeans but we had to dress up for the speeches. (Rant: For chics, it's a pain finding dressy shoes that are comfortable and look good. I went shopping for shoes and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find a pair of flat, black, dressy, closed-toe & heel shoes. I swear, they make shoes for people who's objective is just to have pretty looking feet. How about the rest of us who walk and need shoes to fit into our active lives?) The unofficial uniform is a black pin-striped suit. Well the good news is I survived it. I was very surprised to get an award in the novice category especially because I didn't even make it to the final rounds. Anyhow, I talked to my advisor today and she's great. I've decided to just hang in there with the classes.

Elephants

I just read this article: An Elephant Crackup? in the NY Times and I'm amazed at the similarities humans and elephants share.

Wretched

2 nights ago, I had a hard time going to sleep. I was physically exhausted but my mind just wouldn't take a break. And of course, I had to be up very early the next day for work. I made it there and got through a hectic day fueled by large amounts of caffeine, sugar, adrenalin, and youthful energy. It was a long, long day....Fast forward to the end, was supposed to meet up with someone to go to a live music show, but they 'forgot' to tell me that they weren't going to make it till an hour and a half before the show. I was too tired to be pissed at that moment, and was actually relieved that I could spend my evening at home. But also irritated with the last minute message. It's slightly better than being stood up at when you've dressed up and left the house, but come on, if you are in city A that's a day's drive from city B (the venue), of course you're not going to make it to the damn show! I want people to value and respect my time.

I am currently reading "The Wretched Of The Earth" by Frantz Fanon (recommended by who else but my history teacher:). I'm still in the first Chapter 'On Violence' and I'm so excited by the reading. Sartre has penned a powerful preface. It is such an exhilarating feeling to see these thoughts, observations, and experiences put into powerful words. I'm wondering why I never read this book before. I strongly recommend it to everybody out there.

To be or Not to be Greek

Yes, it is possible to be surrounded by a crowd yet feel utterly alone. It is also possible to look like you fit in, yet feel completely out of place. What the hell am I talking about? Attending an event last week hosted by the Black Sororities and Fraternities at my school.

It all began one afternoon when someone handed me a flyer that stated there was an event scheduled in a couple of days to inform us about Black Greek life at the university. I absently shoved the flyer into my backpack noting the time 6pm and place. When the day came, I was at the library finishing up a paper. I glanced at my watch and thought why not? I decided to make a conscious effort to step out of my comfort zone. Well, I realized that there's a lot I don't know or understand in African American history and culture so I've decided to learn more and get exposed to it. So, this is how the evening went.

5:45pm--I leave the library and stroll to the student center where the event will take place.
5:50pm--I'm sitting outside the meeting hall, there are a few people standing outside.
6:00pm--More people arrive. It's fun to see the clothes, and hairdos. Like a mini-fashion show with some really hot men and fine chics of course.
6:10pm--It's obviously not starting on time, so I decide to check phone messages.
6:20pm--I call a buddy to chat.
6:30pm--The door to the hall is opened and people start to enter. There's a sign that says the event was scheduled for 6:30.
6:35pm--I enter the hall, most of the people are inside. There's a dj spinning music near the stage.
6:37pm--I sit down at the end of a row, so I can make a quick exit. I observe the crowd: young, vibrant intelligent black college students, cracking jokes with friends and dressed to the nines. I must have missed the memo that said to dress up and carry a cute handbag,
6:40pm--There's a tall girl up front who reminds me of a friend. I'm looking around at the different groups and think "This would be so much fun if my old buddies were here." I'm getting that 'new kid at school' feeling 'cause I am. The last 2 schools I attended (1 in Kenya and 1 here) I already knew a bunch of people and had buddies I'd grown up with and a sibling.
6:50pm--A girl with a strong, voice steps up to the podium and directs us to stand up for the Black National Anthem. Her voice blows me away--powerful. I've never heard the song before.
6:55pm--A line-up of the Greeks are on stage and they give us quick blurbs about their group founders, history, and mottos. Everytime a name is mentioned, the members in the crowd give a special yell or cheer. Some people are dressed up in their official colors. The best outfits are red and black. I could see myself in that...
7:10pm--Question and answer session on how to join (there's a 'process', no hazing), what community activities they're involved in, and parties they host,...etc
7:25pm--I leave the building and the event is going strong. Got to be up early the next day.
8:30pm--Home. Hot meal. Comfort.

Brains

My brain was fried today.
It started out with an exam with 138 questions. All multiple choice. I'm one of those students that dives into the exam and leaves the class as soon as possible. I've learned that my first instinct is usually the right one, and if I don't know the answers, sitting around agonizing over them won't help. Next was history class, which is the most enjoyable (usually). Today, I left class with a headache. You know how there's always 1 or 2 people who always have something to say in class? Well, there's one girl who was dominating the discussion. Irritating voice, repeats the same thing over and over again. Well, what's the point in complaining? I guess the rest of us can speak up if we want to. I'm not a big talker in big classes, but if it's a small group I'm more comfortable sharing my views. The bright spot in the day was seeing the teacher (my crush on him is wearing off...). As soon as class was over I headed home for a good meal, Tylenol, and much needed rest (avg. sleeping time over the weekend was maybe 8-10 hrs? I get very grouchy without quality sleep.)

Tomorrow, there's a paper due in my policy class. It's supposed to focus on policies and advocate a position but all it does is focus on general background information with only one paragraph devoted to policy. First of all, it's a group paper but one dude wrote the bulk of it. The rest of us did some editing and additions but the dude doesn't listen to most of the suggestions. I got tired of people talking about what should be done, so last week I did some research and typed in a lot of good information. But my info is missing from the final paper. This idea of writing group papers was a bad idea. We'd better not get a bad grade. Anyway, we're going to meet early afternoon for a final edit of the paper. I have worked in many groups and teams and realized that every person is just watching out for themselves. You have to deal with egos and most people feel like they're the most brainy. In the next phase of my life, I'm thinking about getting into something where I can do my work solo 'cause it's tiring dealing with people and their idiosyncrancies.

A Girl Like Me

Color is more than skin deep for young African-American women struggling to define themselves.

A Doggie's Life

Sometimes, I feel like I'm twice my age--today is one of those days. My joints are aching and every step I take makes me feel old. A warm shower and lots of rest will probably make me feel much better.

I don't know if this is another sign of getting older, but all of a sudden I notice kids who are out late, or just hanging out and think "Shouldn't they be home sleeping? Where are their parents?"

Being a dog is usually a negative thing, but what if you were a real one? As in, you were somebody's pet and experienced a life of luxury? Check out this article on A Dog's Life.

I swear, there are animals in this world that live better than humans (esp. in this country). I didn't understand this concept till I saw it with my own eyes. There's one lady I used to work for in my former school and her family owned 2 cats. Those things were humongous! Don't know if they feed them some kind of genetically modified food or something. Anyhow, those pets were pampered like babies. There was a pet shop nearby that sold those cute little doggie clothes and a variety of pet supplies. There was even a book about how to interpret a cat's 'meows.' It was one of those stores where if you have to ask the prices, then you probably can't afford much. I'm all for animal rights, but I don't think they should be treated like little humans. But then again, who am I to judge owners who indulge themselves through their pets? After all, who else will give you their entire heart so willingly, and spend their entire life with you, offering protection, love, and sincere devotion if not Fido, Simba, or Rafiki?

Packing... and Private Lives

The past weekend has been filled with the hassle of moving. You don't realize how much stuff you have until you try to pack it all up. My books were the heaviest things and took up the most space. We threw out a lot of things and gave away others. Also took stuff to Goodwill. If only there was an affordable way to send things to Kenya....I used to be amazed at how people in the States would throw away everything (including working electronics) but now I understand. Most times, moving or storing stuff costs more than the value of the items. When it comes to electronics, there's always something new so if you hang onto things, they become obsolete. The main thing I want is a house of my own where I can keep my crap in forever and ever. I'm going to make it happen. Meanwhile, just dealing with daily challenges.

Funny how when you need help, the people you least expect come through for you. I'd rather have 1 or 2 friends I trust completely rather than a crowd that only hangs around during good times. One of my close friends lives in my new 'hood so we'll be hanging out more often.

Overheard today on campus (one guy to his friend):"I don't find her repulsive, I'm just not attracted to her." How would you tell someone that you're not into them? Is there a polite way to do it or do you just ignore them and hope they figure it out? I recently bumped into a guy I had a huge crush on 2 years ago. Whatever I used to see in him isn't there anymore. He used to be much cuter.

And why exactly is the public concerned about Condoleeza Rice's love life? I've heard some jokes on tv about her. Women (esp. unmarried ones) are always subject to scrutiny of their love lives. Kwa nini? Take another public figure, e.g. Dick Cheney. His hunting escapades have been a source of entertainment for everyone. Yet, you never hear anything about his wife. (Does he have one? I don't know) The only woman connected to him that we hear about is his lesbian daughter. Society should let women keep their private lives away from the public.

Looking Back

Thursday night was a blast! Made it to all 3 events, and even stopped for a drink at a favorite spot. They served some really good white wine at the gallery (I'm a fan of red) and the exhibit was great. The artist's strength was his charcoal drawings of humans--they were so detailed and life-like. Artists must study human anatomy to be able to capture the human form so well. Didn't Leornado da Vinci himself study cadavers? Well, I got to meet the artist and ask about his inspiration, which is spirituality. The crowd was a mix of business-types getting off work, artists, a backpacker who wandered by, and one punk-rock type chic who stood out from the crowd. It's fun to observe the people. You can usually tell the serious buyers: this time it was an old jungu man pointing at a piece on the wall and asking for a closer look. Afterwards, passed by the fundraiser to see the buddy who invited me. Then proceeded for a drink before hitting the club. It was a memorable night. By the way, why is it that if a chic goes somewhere with a guy, some people just assume you're together?

The weekend was also eventful: it included going clubbing with some workmates (the dj sucked, played music bila formula), a delicious dinner at a popular restaurant, a midnight birthday celebration with champagne and cake (yum), phone call from Dad, working for 12 hrs straight after 2 hours of sleep, and scrambling to type a paper due Monday morning.

There's so much reading to do for classes so I need to work on time management. Will be changing the work schedule. It's hard to readjust to school after being away for a while but I keep reminding myself that I used to be good at it. It seems like the teachers are really into assigning group projects. I have mixed feelings about this. The ethnic studies class has the most interesting material. I'm glad I got in and I look forward to class. The teacher is great (and did I mention good-looking?). He is so passionate and engaging that time flies by.

On the down side, I'm anxiously waiting for a decision from somebody. I'll find out in about 12 hrs. And my piano will be going to a new home. Can't take it when I move, plus I've come to the cruel realization that since I haven't become a concert pianist already, it will never happen. So, a real musician deserves to have it. Funny how you get attached to things. I can't handle a pet 'cause I'd fall apart if he/she died like Acolyte's roommate's dog did last week (See Roadkill...).

Currently listening to: "Sexy Love" by Ne-yo and "Los Angeles" by Sugarcult (free on iTunes) and watching: Korean soaps.

Going Out

I've got 3 invitations for events happening tonight and I've been deciding which ones I'll attend. Wish they were spread out so I could do them all. There are days when I'm sitting at home searching for something fun to do, and nobody feels like going out. Granted I have an odd schedule. I work weekends these days so I don't go out when most people do.

First there's an art gallery opening. I appreciate all kinds of art although I don't understand them all. I have deep admiration for artists and their talents. I won't miss this one. Entrance is free, and throw in some wine and cheese making it a great evening. Then, there's a fundraiser. There'll be live music and dancing. It costs more than I usually pay for an evening of entertainment so I assume there's dinner and drinks included. And it is for a good cause. Don't think I'll make it though 'cause a buddy invited me to go to a club I've wanted to check out for a while. There are different theme nights and ladies get in for free, so why not? Well, I'm gonna have fun so I'd better get ready!

American Dream or Nightmare?

I'm so pissed off! I just lost a huge part of the post I wrote, and I can never recreate all those beautifully written words so first, here's something I wrote last year.

❝If there's really an "American Dream" then there must be an "American Nightmare." And today I've seen it in the form of a rude Mexican woman working the slot machines at the Las Vegas McCurran Airport. Her heavily made-up face has an impatient look, and the kohl-lined eyes stare back with contempt. Her uniform is a black shirt with "CHANGE" printed clearly on it paired with black jeans. She lugs around a fanny pack full of coins. She's the kind of person you meet and instantly forget. She, like millions around the world, left their home country in search of a better life in this wealthy country--the U.S. of A. In many ways, a person like this is considered a success: has a job, apartment, drives a car, gets an income in dollars ...is independently living in another country ...and yet we must question, is this it?

Is it worth it leaving our homes, our families, our ancestors' birthplace, a place where we can freely practice our culture and blend in with our fellow countrymen; a place where you hear the sweet sounds of your mothertongue, where you feel part of a community and where you are seen as a full fledged member of society instead of being abruptly dismissed as another "minority" statistic?❞


Recently, I met a gentleman whose success in life has been proof of "The American Dream." He started out as a clerk in the company, worked his way up, and years later became the owner. I was impressed to hear about this first-hand experience and I told him that. Then he proceeded to tell me about his son who was even more successful. The son ran his own business, built it from the ground up until it was thriving. Then a man approached this son and offered to buy the business. The answer was, "It's not for sale." The man persisted saying, "Anything is for sale at the right price," and quoted a price the son couldn't refuse.
So, the son took the cash, bought a vineyard, built a beautiful home, and enjoyed the fruits of his labor. End of story, right? Wrong! The business went downhill within a year and lost a lot of money, so there was a knock on the son's door, begging him to go back. After considering the incentives, he took on the challenge and proceeded to rebuild the business back to its former glory. Then he sold the business a second time, banked a fortune and retired at the ripe age of....38.

The moral of the story? There are several, but the one that stuck in my mind is that you don't become outrageously wealthy by working for somebody else and waiting for a paycheck (there are a few exceptions). Those who have an idea or product that they build up, invest in, and take risks with stand to reap all the profits. I've heard the idea before, but now I've seen the evidence. So, I just added "start and run a business" to my list of ambitions.

Hair Politics

I am seriously thinking about shaving my head and keeping my hair really short. By the way it's natural. It takes so much energy and time to style it that I'm wondering why I bother. I don't want to relax it (been there) or loc it (not ready for the commitment) at this time.

Pros:
1. Less time getting ready in the morning and more sleep.
2. No dealing with the pain of a freshly braided scalp with tight braids, or the extreme heat when getting it straightened.
3. More money to spend on other things. Getting hair done in the States involves a lot of cash.
4. Being mistaken for a lesbian.
5. Proving to myself I can do things my way, regardless of what everyone else does.


Cons:
1. Showing my not-so-smooth head, not a flattering look.
2. Exposing my scalp to the elements, esp. when it gets cold.
3. Getting asked questions about why I cut it.
4. Being mistaken for a lesbian.
5. Not being able to get that sleek, corporate look. ( Why do I even care? I don't work in the corporate world.)

India.Arie's song featuring Akon, "I am not my hair" has a powerful message that many of us identify with. Our natural attributes just aren't good enough for the mainstream because caucasian features are the standard of attractiveness. Images in the media and pop culture prey on our insecurities, or even create doubt where there's none. There's always something we can do to our skin, bodies, and hair.
Disclaimer: I am not one of those individuals that subscribe to the idea that everything should be natural--you know those that don't believe in waxing, tweezing, or shaving the appropriate body areas. On the contrary, I encourage and take part in those services.

When I go to work, depending on what my current hairstyle is, I get a lot of comments and questions about it. (Compliments too!) I guess some of the people haven't seen Afro hair up close and personal. They don't understand the different things we do to it. Some are fascinated--they don't realize maintenance is so much work. I don't mind answering those who are genuinely curious but I get tired of it too. Anyway, I just have to air my frustration with dealing with my hair. I have an appointment with the hairdresser tomorrow so I'll do something. Let's see what happens.

Blog Day 2006

I have to confess that I usually focus on reading blogs in KBW (which inspired me to start my own). But, I've realized that it's a huge world and we learn more about each other by interaction. A blog is a very personal view of people's lives and experiences. I'd like to share a few I discovered.

1. Sayesha's world
This blog is written by an Indian girl living in Singapore. Not only is she an excellent writer, but also entertaining and witty. Topics range from work and friends, to travel and cultural views. I like the personal insight offered. Despite being in a different part of the world, I identify with a lot of the issues discussed.

2. Margaret Cho
This blog is funny. After all, it belongs to a comedian. Margaret Cho is of Korean ancestry, born and raised in the U.S. Many of her posts are enlightening and address political issues directly.

3. A Family in Baghdad
This is an invaluable look at the reality of living in war-torn Iraq as experienced by a family in Baghdad. It's portrays what we may never see or hear on the news.

Moving

Moving is a bitch.
We've all been through it. First, you start out with a long list of requirements. Then go out on the exciting search for apartments. Depending on the budget, area, and rental market, you may have to adjust some requirements. It's really stressful! Do you pay more for convenience and a quicker commute? Or opt for affordability further out? The nice neighborhoods will always cost more. Is it worth it saving $$ to live in a sketchy area (even if it's temporary)? The idea of living in a high-crime area that's regularly featured in the news is not appealing at all. On the other hand, paying a fortune just because a celeb and some millionares live in the area code isn't practical. The hunt is on....

School has started, and I have a crush on one of my teachers! He's young, Latin, and very eloquent. It's a history/ethnic studies class. I got into class late today and it was so full that some of us were standing in the back. I'm not even registered for it, still on the waiting list. Well, I hope to get in 'cause it seems very interesting.

I went back to my first post of the year dated January 2nd and I'm glad to say that I am fulfilling some of my resolutions. Right now I'm focusing on getting a ticket home for Christmas. Haven't been home in years and I've vowed that I need to go this Christmas. So I've gotta make the sacrifices and hope it works out.

A Pint or Two

There's something great about going out for a drink after work. With workmates. Although intoxication often gets a bad rap (with valid reasons-- e.g. damage to your liver), it has the amazing power of bonding people together. You know that straight-laced colleague who barely cracks a smile? Imagine how friendly they get after a couple of pints...Or imagine how relaxed you get after sipping on that ice-cold drink. Letting down inhibitions once in a while can be healthy--now, I'm not talking about walking up nude a day or two later on a strange yacht (somebody's real life experience by the way) sandwiched between 2 hairy dudes, or chics for that matter. I'm talking about saying exactly what's on your mind at the moment and expressing those innermost thoughts that go 'round and 'round your head. It seems like saying some things out loud make them more real. Some of us are constantly in the position of being a middleman/coordinator/diplomat that we may not say exactly what we think or perhaps we do it in a gentle way. Not because we are cowards or lack the balls, but because we see the bigger picture and realize that personal pride or the smugness of stating "I told you so" is short-lived. Sacrificing individual gain for communal benefit or using the teleological approach of focusing on the end result can motivate us in our labors. I know what that means, do you?

Karma

I believe in karma--and it's wonderful to be on the receiving end of something positive. Thank you, cab driver for not only getting me to my destination on time, but also giving me a free ride! (This guy was for real, he didn't have change for the note I was carrying so he said "it's ok." And there were no ulterior motives at all.) I got some of that positive energy to fuel the rest of my day. 'Twas a busy but fulfilling workday. I'm (yawn) going to sleep well tonight :)

Books, Birth, and Murder.

I'm currently engrossed in John Grisham's "The Broker". It's fast-paced and similar to his earlier bestsellers. Before that I read "Plain Jane" by Laurien Gardner, a tale about Jane Seymour and King Henry VIII, that famous English monarch who couldn't stop getting married. He executed 2 of his 6 wives. One of them was 30 years younger than him. Queen Jane was #3 and died a few weeks after giving birth.

Talking of giving birth, have you ever listened to new mothers share all the details of their gruesome ordeal? I understand that it is a life-changing and (usually) positive experience despite the 20 or 30-something hours of labor that new moms routinely endure. Two chics were saying that they're into the natural way, no drugs involved. OK... My view is "drugs are good! There's a reason epidurals were invented, and you can always elect to have a C-section." Anyway, I usually steer clear of this kind of talk coz I feel that I have little to contribute.

There's so much going on in the world from gangsters attacking the Russian diplomat in Kenya, airline security alerts, conflicts in the Congo & Middle East, to the recent spotlight on the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. That Karr dude is weird. The whole affair is suspicious and tragic. Now, seeing a very young child wearing make-up and parading in adult-style clothing is very strange. I think child beauty pageants should be done away with.

Food = Pleasure

There are few genuine pleasures in this world like coming home to a hot meal. Food is more than calories and a pyramid; it's also about the time, skill, and love that went into its preparation. Many of us will instantly think of our mothers when we think of enjoying a delicious, delectable meal. Since I'm so far from home, I often think of my talented sibling whose culinary skills have produced countless fingerlicking, satisfying meals. Thanks D! There are so many cultural beliefs surrounding food and many are rooted in practicality. In most urban areas around the world, there's a wide variety of international cuisine to sample. One of my favorite foods from home is ugali ya wimbi. At my digz, we've been considering becoming vegetarian or even just eating organic food for health reasons. I'm not ready to make drastic changes yet but will try to change some habits.

4 or 5 Things

I got this idea from somebody else; it's great coz I like making lists:

Jobs I have had:
1. Babysitter
2. Bakery & Cafeteria worker
3. Reader/Tutor
4. Front desk receptionist
5. Security dispatcher

Places I have lived:
1. Nairobi
2. Naivasha
3. Athi River
4. Eldoret (outskirts)

Movies I have watched over and over again
1. Sound of Music
2. My Best Friend's Wedding
3. Wizard of Oz
4. Grease

Places I have been on vacation:
1. Mombasa
2. San Diego
3. Houston
4. Reno

Places I'd rather be right now:
1. Home
2. Hawaii
3. Brazil
4. At a spa getting a massage

Items that must remain in the fridge:
1. Eggs
2. Cheese
3. Red wine
4. Water
5. Vegetables

Scary Stressful Experiences I've survived
1. Embassy appointment to get visa for U.S.
2. Being in a car accident and getting stranded hours away from our residence.
3. Jumping over a barbed wire fence while being chased by the neighbors' fierce dog.
4. Taking major national and state exams that determined my future.

My favorite leisure activities:
1. Walking outdoors
2. Playing Uno with my siblings
3. Reading a good book
4. Playing the simplest version of 'Canon in D' on the piano
5. Surfing the net and blogging!

The End

I saw my grade for the summer class that just ended and I'm happy =)

The turmoil and unrest in the world has a ripple effect. On Friday, I witnessed a demonstration by a group of Arabs/Muslim/Palestinians who were protesting against the Israeli attack on Lebanon. The group of men, women, and children marched down a major downtown street, chanting for their cause with police cars and motorcycles escorting them. When you can put a face to the struggle, you realize how harsh and brutal life--and death--are. Most days when I'm heading to work or somewhere else, I tune in to NPR news. It helps me stop brooding over the details of my pathetic life when I realize that on the other side of the world, innocent people are dodging bullets, bombs and fighting for their lives.

I'm not very religious (but rather spiritual) , although I have spent most of my life in religious communities and schools studying religion and theology. The book of Matthew chapter 24 talks about the signs of the end, which include natural disasters, wars, and conflicts. My view is the world should just end already! How many centuries ago was the end predicted? Even the new millenium was supposed to bring some huge dramatic event. I think in 1000 years, they'll still be predicting the end of the world. I don't really care anyway coz I won't be around.

Change

Change
is scary
and exciting
at the same time.

There are times we actively seek it,
when we are desperate to break out of the bubble.

So we leave our cocoons in search of adventure.
Or perhaps, adventure finds us.
Either way, we have to brace ourselves for the new and unexpected.

A Portfolio and SELF-focus

Got done with my summer class yesterday, phew! It was only a 1 unit class but it involved so much work. A group presentation plus the papers and assignments due the last day. I also had to put a professional portfolio together with a resume, my career objectives, philosophy, samples of projects I've done, etc. First of all, I felt like I didn't have very much to include. Then I searched through my papers, found my awards & certificates, a couple of papers from past classes and threw them in. So, in the end it wasn't that empty. I've been spending most of my time just doing my job and not getting involved in committees or projects. Now, I've realized I need to get involved in some professional organizations and be part of activities outside my regular job. Thing is, most of us start out very passionate about work. We study great ideas and we can hardly wait to practice them and bring changes--then comes the reality shock of the working world, the politics, the old guard who want to remain in the past.... If you work for a large company you may feel like an insignificant part of it; soon enough you just concentrate on doing your job, getting the hell out, and waiting for the paycheck. (Anybody feel me?) But that gets old. Then you realize that you need to reclaim your inspiration and pursue your goals regardless. No matter what you do or where you go there are times you'll be asking "What the hell am I doing here?" Even though it sounds so cliche, the answers need to come from within.

Even though most of us are socialized to always think of others first, I would like to rebuff that way of thinking to say that we need to think of ourselves first, then extend that courtesy to others around us. Being 'SELFish' has a negative connotation, but perhaps 'SELF-centered/focused' may have a better sound to it. Let me tell you more about it: growing up as a female, many of the things we learn are tied in to future marriage/motherhood. For example, "you should learn to cook ugali well, so you can feed your husband and children." Sometimes, it's tied in to representing your family/community/tribe; for example being told, "you need to study and work hard to bring us respect and honor." I don't argue with the basic idea of these statements, because they make sense. However, I have beef with the idea that the only reason I should cook ugali well is to feed a husband and kids with no mention of myself. Kwani I won't be cooking and eating ugali if I'm not married or a mother? When it comes to studying and working hard, I believe the idea of bringing honor to my family and community is inspiring, but I also need to be getting something out of it. In the end, I think everyone around me would benefit if I am happy, fulfilled, and successful at what I do. I am not in any way advocating for an entirely individualistic view of life instead of a communal one. (We can compare society here and at home.) I am proposing a more realistic way of doing things, coz anytime people do something they'll always ask "What am I getting out of it?" People are more motivated to do things if they know they're going to enjoy the fruits directly. Example, our parliament composed of individuals from multiple tribes/regions/political parties unanimously voted for a healthy pay raise and compensation package for themselves. Hey, they also agree to jet off for holiday. Just think, what if they all got together and agreed on another issue that not only benefited them, but the public and community at large?

An ipod moment and Flav2

Home at last. Had a fulfilling day at work. Just wolfed down a cheeseburger and sipped a cold MGD, aah...I tend to eat in front of my computer partly coz of entertainment, and partly coz I like sitting in the comfy blue ikea chair in front of it.

Things I find annoying:
1) People who call every one they meet 'baby" in whatever context, whether it's "you're still a baby, so young!" or "baby, let's go out sometime."

2) People who cuss constantly in public for no apparent reason but to act all 'gangsta' (esp. when they're obviously far from it)--Nobody wants to listen to you. I was riding on the bus and way in the back were 2 guys (drunk frat-boy types) just acting stupid, talking loudly, their vocab must have stopped developing in primary school. It was one of those times I wished I was one of those big, intimidating Samoan dudes and I could just turn around and yell "shut the fuck up!" Instead, I searched through my bag for something interesting to read. My phone battery had just died; I dubbed this "an ipod moment," it's that moment when you desperately wish you hadn't left your ipod at home coz it would be a perfect time to turn up the music and tune out what's around you.

3) The fact that the 'reality' show "Flavor of Love" part 2 is back. Seriously, wasn't season 1 enough? Much as I dislike the concept of the show, it is entertaining. Maybe it's a weird human urge to watch other people humiliating themselves in the name of love (love of money or the spotlight?). I think Flav picked the wrong chic last time, New York would have been perfect for him. Now there are fresh attractive recruits, tripping over each other to impress this tired-looking man who parades in pimpish outfits (come on, a red suit with a red shirt) and a huge clock around his neck.

Please hide them!

Last night, I broke a wine glass. Not big news in my digz as I hold the title of 'most likely to break something--anything!' But why did it have to be one of the new glasses I just bought last week? There comes a point in life when you look in your kitchen cupboard and find it wanting...regularly drinking wine out of styrofoam or plastic cups becomes a thing of the past. Even mango juice tastes better when served in a pretty glass. And going on a wine-tasting expedition or having a drink in a fancy restaurant will teach you a thing or two about how to serve wine. So, a trip to Crate and Barrel was the next step. It was my very first. I'm not the kind of person who'll usually notice details about dishes; I'm more about function--but there is a difference about eating a meal out of a plastic or metal bakuli while sipping tea from a glass (come on, who hasn't done this?) and eating off chinaware while sipping a cold drink from a sparkling stemmed glass. Oh well, the sad remains of that glass are now in the trash. The cool thing about being a grown-up is that nobody will yell at you for breaking things. I'm responsible for destroying enough of my parents beautiful dinnerware (wedding gifts perhaps?), but they love me anyway. So if anybody ever invites me for a meal, hide all the nice/expensive glasses and plates from me!

Mean

One of my worst fears is turning into the people I despise most (and there are several types). I've had a recent encounter with the following:

MEAN people. Everytime they open their mouths, they spit venom. When you are in the position to help them, they will criticize everything you do. Everyone tries to avoid them, and they know it. The words 'please' or 'thank you' cross their lips reluctantly and sound unconvincing. The Acolyte has a post about bitches and they also fall under this category. Men are also included in my 'mean' group. I'm not saying one has to be smiling 24/7, coz even perky people can be draining. You don't have to pretend to be nice. But, I hate that people with negative energy want to suck you into this deep dark hole. So you have a shitty life, guess what? So do most other people. All suffering isn't visible. I can confidently say to these types that " One of my worst nightmares is turning out like you."

"A terrible thing to Waste"

The lack of entries on my blog this past week does not in any way indicate my state of mind; on the contrary, I've been using my brain cells in all sorts of ways...Spent a day having orientation at the university. The information was useful and cleared up the confusion many of us had. Figuring out prereqs, GEs, etc. It's a really huge school so you need to know what you're doing to navigate your way around successfully. I've gone to small schools most of my life. The cafe food is good! There are several cafes with different types of food. I have eaten all kinds of things in the various schools I've attended: from hard nyoyo and strongi, to veggie burgers and scrambled tofu.

And my summer class is still going on. We met on Wednesday to have our customary discussions, lecture, and group time. Still haven't written my paper (which is 40% of the final grade)--can anyone say procrastinator out loud please? The good news is now I have a topic and some material I got from the public library. Also discovered I can access the library that belongs to a grad school in my 'hood so I'll be making a run there soon. Talking of public libraries, that's one of the impressive things about this country--they're free, resourceful, and accesible. Used to go check my mail there before I owned a computer.

Being a Mac fan, one of my objects of desire is one of the new laptops. I'll be taking advantage of my student discount for sure. Also want to join some professional organizations and museums coz they have deals for students. I was recently at a museum and was on a floor viewing pictures of black American freedom fighters and leaders--many I didn't recognize. There was a lady giving some teenage kids a tour so I stuck around to listen to the speech. Then it hit me how much I don't know about the history of black America. After Black History Month is over, the story of past and present struggles disappear into the background. The only book I own on the topic is "Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass" There are so many judgements we make on groups of people without looking at where they're coming from. I hate it when people do it to me, so I need to make an effort not to guilty of the same. Got to learn more history and expand my thinking, in the words of the United Negro College Fund, " A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Cleaning Out My Closet

This evening, I saw a couple of great examples of 'What Not To Wear":
1) Sandak--do they even make these anymore? Or rather, do any grown people wear them? (I remember having a pair of light blue ones in nursery school) Well, yeah...as I discovered today...even here in the US of A, they just give them a different name--jelly sandals.
2)Layering a pair of shorts over a pair of trousers. Do not do this! It will make you look like a bum.

Other things not to wear:
3) Pants that give you a constant wedgie.
4) KBS aka 'kiatu bila socks'--the exception is when wearing sandals or certain kinds of loafers.

Anyhow, enough of critiquing other people's clothes--I recently took a closer look at my own wardrobe too. Took some things to Goodwill, a few were handed down, others were trashed. After watching the Oprah show about women wearing wrong bra sizes, I was inspired to throw out some of mine.Then you know what happened next...a trip to Victoria's Secret! I think we all hold onto clothes for sentimental reasons, even if we don't wear them. I confess to holding onto an ex-boyfriend's 'Superman' t-shirt for ages. But, on a cleaning binge realized the stuff at the back of the closet had to go. Such is life.