Sad Beginning for Kenya

This is a sad time for Kenya with all the post-election violence going on. It seems so unreal that these things are going on in our home. I am very grateful that my parents are doing fine. It is so hard to imagine that the small community where we live is no longer a peaceful haven: people's homes have been burned down, there are roadblocks everywhere and gangs are terrorizing innocent citizens. Communities are being ripped apart and word from home is the death toll is higher than what is being reported in the western media. I've been tuned in to NPR and their BBC broadcasts. My prayers go out to my fellow Kenyans regardless of tribe and political affiliation. And yet, let not all the work and sacrifice by those on the ground be for nothing. We have come so far as a country--Kenyan citizens have evolved into a higher consciousness and demand that their voices be heard loud and clear. We have come too far to go back and undo the gains we have made as a country and as a people. After all, Kenya is home

Getting paid (or laid) online

Sidenote: Google adsense does pay! I've gotten a dollar and change transferred into my account already. Some sites with high traffic make a sizable income on this kind of thing. Now, if I could get paid to rewrite some of the ads, perhaps more people would check them out....

I may rearrange a few things coz I opened my blog today and saw an ad for dating Kenyan women who are 'desperate' for companionship (I won't even start...), then underneath was the blurb 'About me.' I find it kind of funny =) but I'd like to state for the record that there's no correlation between the two. There's something for everyone online. Personally, I'm looking to get paid, not laid.

Countdown: 5 days

Study, study, study....

I'm supposed to be working on papers right now, but I just had to take a quick break. I haven't hang out in blogland for a while because reading one interesting post always leads to 5 more. And I'm rather opinionated so it's hard to resist sharing my views. Every now and then I go back and read my old posts and people's replies. Sometimes I laugh but other times I think about deleting posts--especially the depressing ones. Haven't done it yet. Even though I'm anonymous, I can't resist but get a little self-conscious. Sometimes, I wonder what people who read my stuff think of me. Isn't it natural to portray the best of ourselves to the world? But then this is my space to express myself however I see fit. And having the cloak of anonymity is reassuring, kinda like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Yet, I did set some ground rules for myself--because I believe boundaries are important(think of "good fences make good neighbors")--I will not share information shared in confidence, go into details about work or family or personal relationships out of respect.

I can ramble on forever so I'd better go back to my paper. I'm on a 10 day countdown to the end of the sem =)

A cup of tea

I consider myself a pessimist. A cynic. I haven't always been one. I feel like I've undergone a lot of subtle changes over time until suddenly I realize I'm a different person from what I used to be. Is this what growing up is all about? I guess.

I've had a lot of things going on, yet few things have changed. Ironic. It's like running on a treadmill--you cover a large distance yet you don't go anywhere. It's when high expectations and 'reality' reside in different planets. Maybe not that bad. But close.

Some days I have so much to say but other days I just want my own company. One of my pet peeves is people who are extra perky in the morning and insist on having conversations about random things like the weather before I've had any caffeine in my system. Unless there's a tsunami outside, I don't want to discuss the weather! It's fairly predictable this time of year. And I'm not a coffee addict anymore--I drink more tea these days. Black. A little sugar. I have to confess I used to dislike the whole tea-making ritual for visitors when I was growing up. It was my Mom's attempt to make us polite, hospitable, and able to carry on a conversation with grown-ups. We not only had to make the tea but also serve it. Woe to anyone who tried to pass on this duty to the maid. We had enough lectures about the maid's role at home. She was a helper NOT a servant as people in the West like to address them. I didn't mind making tea, but I hated having to serve it while answering questions from visitors about school and hearing comments like "you've grown so big!" and "you need to eat more" often in the same conversation. Years later, I now recognize a few lessons I learned.
-Always ask your guests if they drink milk. Or take sugar. Or caffeine. (Some people neglect to mention it till you've already served them.)
-Parents enjoy to torture and/or show off their kids.
-People love to comment on your appearance and relate it to how much food you eat. (Even though there are lots of skinny people that eat a lot and bigger people who are more moderate.)
-All adults give the same advice: "Work hard."

Now, I'm a little older and have come to appreciate a mug of hot tea--love Ketepa, but Earl Grey will do--when I visit a friend. But I have vowed never to exclaim "you've grown so big!" to any kids I meet. Especially if they were babies the last time I saw them.

If you ask whether my cup of tea is half empty or half full, I realize it doesn't really matter to me. What does matter is that I do have a hot cup to drink.

MIA

I've been MIA for what feels like forever...today's my first day back at school which I've been looking forward to. Yeah, I know I'm such a nerd. But this is my senior yr so I'm looking forward to getting done with my program! Stay tuned for an exclusive interview which I'm sure y'all are dying to read (just kidding!)--I just read Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber and it had me cracking up! Yes, I am a fan of chick lit, comedy, Harry Potter--haven't read the new one just yet--and the occasional literary masterpiece. I've read a lot this summer since my old computer went kaput on me and I've been trying to brush up on vocab for the GRE.

Seriously, what would people do for entertainment if there was no internet, or tv, or, gasp, any electronic form of entertainment? Isn't is strange how you suddenly feel deprived when you don't have constant access to something and yet millions of people around the world survive perfectly well without it? I'm not advocating an internet strike by any means. This issue of deprivation came up last night during a lively discussion about travel, the developed vs developing world, expats, and things higher income people take for granted around the world. Anyway, I need to get my school/work schedule together. More later.

On Phonecalls

I am irritated when somebody promises to call on a specific day and time, then doesn't. I hate waiting for a phone call (especially from a cute guy I just met).

I realize there are some unwritten rules about how long one should wait before calling somebody back coz if you call too soon you seem desperate; but I don't think you should wait too long either. "You snooze, you lose." I don't like getting phone calls 2 or 3 months later from some number I can't identify with the phrase "Guess who?" Hello, you called me, so please identify yourself. If we met for about 2 minutes at some dim-lighted pub or club after having a few drinks, chances are I won't remember you. And you probably don't remember me too well either. I'm quite simple, I've stopped giving out my number to people I have no intention of meeting with. And I will tell them that. I think it's immature to give out fake numbers, and the rejection hotline # should be reserved for true assholes. I wonder if some people are just competing to collect phone numbers, coz they never call. It's not that big a deal if you don't know each other well. But once in a while you sense a connection--then never hear back from that person. Some guys do play mind games with this whole phone call thing. Let's see what happens.

I've been missing out on blogging in my current computerless state, just had to drop by. So much has happened, yet few things have changed. This is just a random Monday blurb.

Another Lazy Sunday

I have sketchy internet access and an old comp that keeps going off now and then so I haven't been spending as much time online.

I'm dying to get my hands a really good book! Haven't been to a library since I moved. There is a bookstore near my place, but I cannot justify buying a brand new book that I'll never read again when I can get a deal on Amazon.

I'm not exactly a tree-hugger but I've become so much more environmentally conscious in the past couple of years. I believe in recycling and reusing in order to minimize waste. Funny how such ideas that are touted as "progressive" over here are an everyday occurence at home. Those who don't have access to the latest and greatest goods have to learn to make things last. Here's a great example: people have been making and wearing akala for I don't know how long in Kenya. One day I was leafing through a magazine (can't remember which one) and saw an ad for shoes made from recycled tires. I bet they won't be cheap either.

I penda my new 'hood. Lots of things within walking distance. I like that kind of lifestyle. I don't understand how people can go out drinking and then drive distances to go home. Hopefully, there's a designated driver who doesn't drink. Went to a local pub last night to meet a friend of a friend. It's kind of weird when you're going to meet someone you've never seen before and you're trying to guess what they look like. Anyway, this buddy identified us right away and we had a good time hanging out. Now, it's to relax before the grueling work week ahead!

Wishes

"Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true!"
--By ?

1) In a state of restlessness, I craved change--I'm now experiencing lots of new things in most aspects of my life.
2) I wanted to spend my summer away from my area of residence--I landed a summer gig in a different state.
3) I wanted a job with benefits that I could use for myself and extend to my siblings--My summer gig has excellent perks that I can enjoy and share.
4) During the winter, I cussed at the cold and swore the next place place I lived would be hot---Now I'm in a state known for its record highs in summer (aren't they all?0. But it probably won't be as bad as my first summer in this country. A number of people said, "You must be used to this 'cause it's like Aahfrica." Hell no! I tried to enlighten them that my home wasn't the Sahara but lush green highlands.
5) I was feeling a bit isolated and wanted to be closer to people from home--I met a first cousin who lives in this area and he's totally cool! And tonight, I just met a former schoolmate from the first high school I went to. There are also family friends in the area (who I like!). The area is also big enough that you don't run into people unless you plan to.


Wishes can be a double-edged sword 'cause you get what you want and more. It's an incredible feeling when you don't expect much but you get something amazing--it helps you persevere through the bumpy parts of the road.

Seven Things

Finally, a belated response to Half'n'half's tag.


The Best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.--Robert Burns

1. I like quotes, whether famous or unknown. I also like making lots of plans about every move I make in my life; I carry around a 2yr pocket size calendar where I jot down things I'll be doing tomorrow, next month, even next year and beyond. It helps me organize my life and I'd be totally lost without it. Of course things don't always go as planned--the last week and a half of my life has been like that. But I'm learning to let go of minor details and focus on the overall picture.

2. I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive. Not like Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets." I'll make the bed as soon as I get up, wash my hands frequently, and stack the dishes in the sink neatly if I'm not washing them right away. Just habit.

3. Another compulsion: a hot cup of coffee after I get up. I don't want to have a conversation in the morning till I've at least washed my face, brushed my teeth and drank a hot cup. Major points to anyone who brings a hot mug to me in my room.

4. When I like a song, I play it over and over and over again. Like ten times in a row or something. Then I usually forget about it.

5. My favorite horoscope is Yahoo Astrology. It's fun to read, and some of the personality traits for my sign are so right on.

6. One of my worst fears is to be stuck or trapped anywhere or in anything. I need to move around freely. Yet stability is also very important to me.

7. I'm a very private person so I tend to keep a lot of things to myself. But I reveal a lot of things in a humorous way.

Finals

It's that wonderful time of year when we get to do final exams and hand in end of sem essays. 1 down, 4 to go. Then I'm getting the hell out of here for the summer.

I like...part 3

1. The Standard article on women who don't want kids. It's refreshing to have our point of view out there.

2. Vitamin Water Formula 50.

3. Post-its. They're a brilliant invention.

4. Reading newspapers from cover to cover, even browsing through sections I don't really care for like sports. One of those die-hard Kenyan habits!

5. The sound of the saxophone. It's very sexy to watch a man play one.

6. Lounging in pajamas on my days off.

7. The fact that summer break is less than a month away and change is in the air.

Get-Away II

Just returned from the mountains. What's the point of Spring Break if you don't have a change from routine? Sometimes, you need a change of scenery. Unlike a previous trip , this one was spontaneous.(I've been accused of not being spontaneous). I took part in activities I haven't done in a long time: hiking and biking. My muscles are still aching from one of the hikes we took: it wasn't that long, approx. 3 miles--but we were going up a steep rocky mountain. I thought I was fit coz walking is part of my daily activity, but this was on another level. There were lot of families there and we'd see some small kids going up with ease--that time you're thinking "how can a kid who's 5 or 6 yrs old handle this and I can't?"

We also biked down a rocky, unpaved mountain road with multiple twists and turns. There were several times I was sure I'd fly over the handlebars. Like lots of people out there, I have a fear of heights. Now and then I have morbid thoughts. I pictured myself being thrown off the rocky cliff and dying--then people would be asking what killed me. The answer amused me: "she was mountain biking." Well, it wasn't that extreme, I just have an active imagination. I have renewed respect for outdoorsy people who hike and bike on a regular basis. The food was tasty and healthy plus we had a campfire with s'mores of course! (S'mores are toasted marshmallows smooshed between chocolate and graham crackers--they're so sweet that 1 or 2 is enough for me.) Most of the travellers were the young international crowd which is fun to hang around. You learn about culture and other ways of life and compare them to your own. I'm impressed with the travelling culture that people from other countries have: of course finances and visas determine freedom of movement. Travel seems to be a rite of passage in parts of the world, so even people who aren't super-wealthy go places. I think it's an excellent idea.


Watching: The Original Kings of Comedy (one of the few dvds I own)

Listening to: Furahiday by Nonini feat. Nameless

Experience

by Emily Dickinson

I stepped from plank to plank
So slow and cautiously;
The stars about my head I felt,
About my feet the sea.

I knew not but the next
Would be my final inch,--
This gave me that precarious gait
Some call experience.

On Writing

WARNING: Long ramble ahead....

This time tomorrow, I'll be done with a major test and the essay I'm supposed to be working on right now. I've been trying not to be such a procrastinator. Got most of the studying done and even started on the paper but it's still incomplete. I aim for quality work but need motivation for dull topics. I prefer to write about stuff I feel passionate about. Which is one of the reasons I blog. However, I stay away from talking about work and my personal life. Not that I have lots of deep dark secrets, but some things are confidential, irrelevant, or just meant to be memories. This gives me space to express myself. I have lots of opinions on all kinds of things and can ramble on and on. I'm not super-talkative off-line. I usually listen and observe more during daily interactions and it's amazing how much people reveal. In the first half of my life, I used to be really shy. Then I went to boarding school where I had to speak up in order to navigate my way around. Became much more outgoing after high school. I envy some people's ability to put themselves out there so confidently.

That's part of the allure of the web, books, and movies: you peer into people's lives and even share their experiences. They can give you a glimpse of a world you will see. On the other hand the writer could be telling your story. I haven't written any books, but if I did, I wonder whether I'd use a pen name or my real name. It would probably depend on the topic. There's an appeal to being anonymous; you won't feel like you're being personally judged. Yet perhaps your identity adds to your work or is directly relevant e.g an autobiography. And there's that thrill of seeing your name in print! I got an article published once and actually got paid for it. Had to make a copy for my scrapbook coz who knew when it would happen again?

But in this world we live in, expressing personal opinions can be a dangerous thing if it threatens mainstream views: journalists and bloggers have been jailed for this. It happened to an Egyptian blogger. Then there was that infamous Standard Raid. Even in the Land of the Free....there's this guy called Josh Wolf who was just released from prison. Why was he even there in the first place? Because he refused to turn in a video tape of protesters to the police and to testify before a grand jury. The debate on rights goes on.

Some of my heroes are writers.

"Going Under"

by Evanescence

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

Lyrics courtesy of www.azlyrics.com

Untitled

Just found out I passed a test I took about a month ago. It's a great relief coz now I don't have to take an extra class. You know that feeling of waiting for news? Like when you've just taken a major standardized test that will affect your future or you've just bared your innermost thoughts and feelings to somebody and you're not sure how they'll take it.... I hate not knowing because I tend to overanalyze things. Sometimes, I just block out everything to lessen my anxiety. Right now I'm studying for the GRE. I hear they'll be changing the format by September--the advice is to take it before the new version is out. Anybody out there with any tips on studying or taking it?

This month is practically over, and here's a quick look back at some highlights:
1) I saw Barack Obama! He's been criscrossing the country and visited my city. The crowds were enormous. I wished I was as tall as a basketball player coz there were so many people there. Spent most of the time trying to find a spot with a view of the podium. One thing I avoid is being right in the middle of a big crowd. If the crowd starts to stampede, the worst thing it to get trapped inside. Anyway, I'm positively starstruck and thoroughly impressed. I didn't hear the whole speech, but Obama is very articulate and good-looking.

2)Yeah, I'm a Pisces so I did have a birthday. I honestly didn't care about it or feel a need to celebrate anything: I know I should be grateful for a lot of things but I just wasn't feeling it. I got my wish: a very private celebration with champagne. My dear sibling made it special. I am glad to be older, although I don't look it. Yes, I'm used to the constant carding. But getting hit on by teenage boys who think I'm their agemate can be a bit much. A lot of these kids look and try to act older than their age but the talk gives them away. Anyway, they're usually polite so no harm done. Perhaps I should be a specimen for studying youth, maybe it's in my genes or is it my lifestyle?

3)I've stuck to my decision to eliminate meat and chicken from my diet for the past 6 weeks. Don't know if it will be permanent. I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian who eats fish and seafood. It's not an attempt to be pretentious=) I'm not fanatical about food but I'm health conscious. Growing up, we always ate lots of vegez and fruits at home. And drank bitter herbal concotions. And made our own juice with fruits from the garden (no sugar added). Felt sorry for some visitors who came to our house, got served a big glass of juice and had no choice but to be polite and gulp it down. Very few asked for a second glass! This was an inside joke between my siblings and I. Used to hate it myself, but now I actually choose to consume certain things that used to be forced on us. A weird thing happened when I got back from home. I ate chicken and some delicious tender lamb. Then I ate chicken again and it just didn't taste as good and then, "roho ilikataa." So, just decided to be vege (I've done it temporarily in the past but not by choice). Fish has Omega 4s so I'll keep it. Been eating lots of tofu and drinking green tea. I had a strange breakfast the other day: green tea and ice cream. Cutting back on sugar would be healthy but everyone has to indulge in something, ama?

Currently reading: Black Skin White Masks by Frantz Fanon and Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Sleep, The Undead, and The Dead

What's the longest you've gone without sleep? The Guinness world record holder is Randy Gardner who stayed awake for 11 days without any stimulants. It's unbelievable, no coffee? no drugs? for over a week? Amazing what the human body can survive. I value my sleep so when I don't get enough I have to make it up. On my days off one of my ideal activities is sleeping. For at least 8 hrs +. When I have to stay awake too long I start to feel like a zombie. And can't think straight.

Talking of zombies, I'm watching SouthPark all the way from season 1. Just saw the episode on "Pink-eye" when it's Halloween and there's the pink-eye epidemic---everyone who catches it goes around biting and attacking people (sounds like rabies) and Chef says they're the undead so they go to the morgue to find out the answers. I'm mildly curious about the 'undead'. I read "Dracula" a while back but haven't watched the movie. Don't care to either.

Last week we had a guest speaker in one of my classes who's a retired General from the Marines. He was one of the top guys during the Gulf War of 1990/91 and successfully led his division in defeating the Iraqi army and taking control of Kuwait. He was talking about casualties and said that before they set out, he was issed 8,000 body bags for his division of 20,000 marines (I don't recall the exact numbers). He talked about a lot of other things including the current war/occupation but the body bags issue just stayed on my mind. Bloody, brutal images were flashing through my mind and I felt a great sense of tragedy. To think of the soldiers who know they could be returning home in those body bags is a sad, empty feeling. What's going on in their minds? And while death is so final, surviving can be a harrowing experience according to the revelations from Walter Reed and personal accounts. The Buddhist teaching sums everything by stating: "Life is suffering."

What Women Want

A week or two ago, I was chatting with a random guy (30-40something yrs old)and I figured that he'd had a couple of drinks sometime that evening. He was rather talkative. He went off on a tangent about marriage then posed the question, "Isn't that what all women want? To get married?" Wow, since when did I become an expert on what all women want? I can't even figure out what I want half the time....what would make me qualified to answer on behalf of others? I took the diplomatic route and told the guy that there are some women who are eager to get married, but others who aren't. "But why not?" he persisted.
"They may have other priorities or goals they want to accomplish first" I answered. Or they haven't met anyone they want to marry, I thought to myself.
He didn't seem to believe me. "A guy like me, I'm rich and I would make a good husband." He was better looking than average and well dressed. But there's so much more that can't be revealed in one glance.
I was on my way home and didn't want to get drawn into an endless discussion so I took the easy route and complimented him, "I'm sure you will make some girl very happy" then I walked away.
So, what do women want? This question has been asked over and over again. (The Mel Gibson movie is kinda funny. I have issues with him about his latest movie on the Mayans, but that's a different topic.) I am a little curious about women out there would say to complete the following phrase:

A man must_________________________.

One of my buddies said that a man must have a car. I don't hold the same view. I say a man must have intelligence and a sense of humor and use each one appropriately.

This post isn't totally about marriage. It's also about the assumptions people make about what others think or want. These may be true or perhaps not at all. For example, if you've been on a long trip or walking outside in the heat and you arrive at somebody's house, it would be safe for them to assume that you are hungry and thirsty and offer some refreshments. However, when it comes to our thoughts, belief systems, wants, and desires, it gets tricky. People don't always reveal their deepest desires or thoughts to others. If you ask someone, "what's on your mind?" They may actually tell you what they're thinking about. However, if they think that it's too personal, or you can't handle it, they will give you a bullshit answer. There times I've asked that question. People can be surprisingly honest about what they're thinking. At times, I answer the question very candidly and can tell when a person becomes uncomfortable because they didn't actually expect me to be so straight up. Where am I going with this? Nowhere, just sharing what's on my mind right now.

Evolution

I haven't posted a new entry in almost 10 days. Some days, I can't put thoughts together coherently. Or I write stuff I don't want anybody to read. Did I lose my mojo? Hope not! It's not because I haven't had any thoughts or views to air. Or that I'm that that boring. (What an insulting description.) In fact some people seem to think I'm rather entertaining. (Eyes roll...) How else would you interpret the statement, "I'm so bored so I decided to call you"? What am I, a TV channel? I know, it may have been meant as a compliment but it can be mildly irritating to say the least. I lead a rather ordinary existence. Been working night shifts while having classes during the day so my body is just off.

Thankfully, I have a relatively drama-free life. But you know how we all love to hear storoz about other people's drama...for example, The Acolyte's popular drama posts have kept many of us on edge, impatiently waiting for the next one. I recently heard about a situation involving a chic fresh from Kenya, a young man she met at church, and her distant relative by marriage. I'm not at liberty to discuss details coz I don't know the whole story, plus I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing the issues online no matter how distant our relationship. Anyway,many of us know of incidents like these (although circumstances vary). With modern communication, beef that happens next door is being discussed by relaz at home the next day. Phone calls are made, emails are sent, and battle lines are drawn. I want to avoid taking sides, especially if I hear only one side of the story. Parents and older relaz will often jump to one's defense by stating, "But she's such a good girl! She would always cook and help out in the house...." So what? Newfound freedom can ignite new fires and allow people to express suppressed thoughts and desires. Leaving the sheltered cocoon of home often causes people to harden and take risks they wouldn't have imagined.It doesn't automatically make one 'bad'. Change is inevitable, be it drastic or subtle. That's life. Evolution.